My Journey to EP-ing

I have so many mixed feelings about my journey to exclusively pumping, and apparently so does America. I have gotten so many bizzarre responses from so many people when they realize that I am pumping my breastmilk for my son. Everything from...

"Why don't you just use formula? It's just as good."

"You're wasting your time."

"Wouldn't you feel like a better mom if you spent time with your kid instead of sitting on the couch?"

"Your PPD would go away if you weren't nursing."

"It's not the same as breastfeeding."

"There aren't any benefits to pumped milk, it's not the same thing as from the tit (word for word quote here)."

"Your milk will dry up. It's impossible to keep your supply up while pumping."

"You'll get mastitis. It's impossible to keep from getting clogged while pumping."

"You already supplement with formula, what's the point?"

"You drive and pump? That's obscene!"

"You can't pump in here, it's not sanitary."

"Don't pump in the same room as me. It's weird and makes me feel uncomfortable (note- i always pump covered...)"

"Pumping is easier than breastfeeding."

I've also gotten a lot of positive support and feedback, from online message boards, to real-life friends and family and occasionally doctors (although not always). Everything from...

"You're doing an amazing thing for your son."

"He's going to be healthier for this."

"It's worth it."

"Don't give up."

"I'm proud of you."

"You should be proud of yourself."

"Don't worry, you will sleep again (favorite)."

"It gets easier."

"It's just a short phase in your life, it won't last forever."

"It is breastfeeding! Just because you're using a go-between, doesn't mean your breasts aren't feeding your son!"

"It has all the same benefits to mom and baby as traditional breastfeeding."

Later on I'll post about my pumping tips (how i wish there had been more information like that when I first started pumping!) But this post is going to be about my journey...And it's bittersweet.

Parker was severely jaundiced when he was born. I'm not talking a little orange, the kid turned into an oompa loompa. My idiot resident of a doctor decided to yank him out of me with a vacuum without my permission (while my actual dr who i loved stood there and did nothing...) and the trauma was bad enough that Parker was jaundiced. Lots of mommas and doctors will tell you jaundice is no big deal, and in a lot of ways they're totally right, it goes away, it can be treated from home, and it doesn't last long. however it can be death to a breastfeeding relationship.

It was impossible to get Parker to stay awake long enough to nurse. His body was literally telling him to shut down and sleep, that it didn't need food. In the hospital I tried and tried. The day after he was born I finally got a lactation consultant in (I'd called several times) and they couldn't get him to latch. "Try again later." Finally I did get him to latch with the help of a second consultant and a nipple shield. I started pumping at the hospital because they were worried my milk wouldn't come in. We tried to do lots of skin to skin time but nurses kept barging in, ignoring my "do not enter" sign, and it was pretty hard on me to kick my male family out of the room all day long. Looking back I wish I would've sent everyone home and a gaurd at my door. No, you may not check my vitals right now, I'm nursing. Come back in 30 min. No you may not check his diaper right now, he's nursing, come back in 30 min.

He got better at nursing when we got home, but I got progressively worst. I had 3rd degree tears and couldn't sit up for days. Nursing lying down just didn't work because he was too weak to stay latched on without a lot of help. I tried every position under the sun and nothing worked. I set alarms and woke him every 2 hours all day and night to eat for the first two weeks, and at every weight check apointment he continued to lose more and more precious ounces. In the meantime, I never got engorged... my milk just wasn't coming in properly, because he wasn't nursing properly.

After 2 weeks he had lost over a pound and his jaundice was to the point where he needed a light bed brought to my house. I hit my breaking point. Formula was looking pretty damn good. I started supplementing (knowing it would kill my supply, but unwilling to let him lose another ounce) and I started researching, and I started pumping. My friend Elle brought me her pump and some new pump parts/tubes and showed me how to use it. I started that night. I nursed him every 2 hours, then formula fed him, then pumped. Slowly he started to gain weight, and slowly our breastfeeding relationship dissappeared.

By about 1 month post pardom I developed very painfully cracked nipples. They were bleeding and scabbing and I just couldn't take it anymore. He was slowly gaining weight but still could not efficiently empty my breast while nursing. I tried weaning him from the formula but it didn't help him nurse any better. I spoke with la leche league leaders, friends, doctors, etc. I decided to take a break from nursing. One week of exclusive pumping and let my breasts heal. That was all it took, Parker developed nipple confusion, and I became an EP-er.

For the first few weeks of EP-ing I pumped every time he ate. Then with research I reailzed I needed to be pumping more often to build my supply. I went on Reglan, (hello PPD, hello muscle spasms, jsut say no to REglan!!!) and started pumping more frequently. I got on a schedule and by 2 mo pp I was pumping 8 times a day for 30 min each time and making about 24 oz a day (PJ at this time was eating 22.5 oz a day). I was finally able to ditch the formula and for a couple of sweet months my baby was exclusively breast fed.

I discovered that as frustrating as pumping was, as tired as I was (middle of the night pumping sucks balls. it just does), that I found a sense of pride in pumping. I was providing nourishment for my son. I was meeting his needs, and that's a sweet sweet thing.

Around January I decided to drop a pump to 7 times a day. Most of the research I had done (and let me tell you, there is like NO info about EP-ing out there. People just don't write about it enough.) stated that I would likely lose no more than an ounce or two. But with Parker becoming more active and needing more play time, versus, here cuddle on this boppy and let me read you stories and sing songs time, I needed the freedom of only pumping 7 times a day. I lost far more than an ounce or two. For a long time I dropped all the way down to 15 oz per day, meaning that I was supplementing with formula again. I couldn't bring myself to go back to 8 ppd though, because it was just too hard. Eventually my supply slowly increased again and I make around 20 oz per day, while Parker's appetite has increased and he eats around 28.

Parker still nurses for comfort. He goes through phases where he loves nursing and wants to all the time, and sometimes it's weeks where he's not asking for a breast, or refuses it when I try. He never became an efficient nurser, he barerly drains an oz from my breast when he nurses, but it offers him comfort, a snack, and a snuggle with mom. People say EP-ers can't have a breastfeeding relationship, well Parker and I have one, it doesn't look like yours, but it's a relationship.

I made it to the 6 month mark. My goal is to save enough breastmilk for Parker to get 4 oz of breastmilk a day, since the leading research shows that babies get all the immunilogical benefits of breastmilk if they get at least 4 oz a day, every day until he's 1 year old. I'm saving as much as I can. I hope I can quit in the next month or so, but it may take me longer than that. I have about 200 oz saved up right now, I'm slowly increasing Parker' formula intake and lowering his breastmilk intake so I can save more. I'd rather him get a smaller amount of breastmilk for a longer amount of time, then a lot of breastmilk all at once then none at all for months.

For you momma's out there considering EP-ing, here's my schedule during the week (i'm a school teacher).
1:30am pump 30-45 min (depending on how engorged I am.)
5:00 am pump 30 min. Get ready, get baby ready.
7:25 am pump at work before school, 20 min.
11:30 am pump during lunch at school, 20 min (if i'm lucky)
2:00 pm pump at school during plan period (30 min-hour depending on how engorged i am)
5:00 pm pump at home 20 min-30 min (if parker takes a nap, no nap, no pump.)
7:30 pm pump at home 30 min after parker's asleep, wash pump parts and bottles, go to bed by 8:30.
Start again at 1:30 the next morning.

To you momma's on this road or considering this road, I salute you. It's tough as hell, but for now it's worth it. My baby deserves the best.

Places I've pumped: car, bathroom, school, friend's houses, mcdonalds drive thru (i'm talented), bedrooms, kitchens, living rooms, and many other places. :)

Oh and by the way, I'm pumping as I write this. :)